Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Dear Dayton

Dear Dayton,

Now normally I cringe when a blogger pens a letter to somebody who will never read it but I don't know I guess I'm willing to give it a shot. You don't me, I'm just an unknown blogger with a little website that does generate a few hits but only because you have a loyal fan base. And right now they are frustrated. You are probably wondering why. (Although you most likely yawned and rolled your eyes.)

I'll tell you why, because of your newfound infatuation with old catchers who are on the decline offensively and defensively. Now I know you may think those guys can contribute (they can't) and that they have a little left in the tank (they don't) but it's time to let it go because I have solved your problem. Sign me to be your catcher. Yes you heard right and I'm dead serious. I think I'm qualified (given what you're looking at I may be overqualified) and I'll give you three darn good reasons to consider it.
  1. I'm 38 years old. Now if that doesn't impress you I should add that most days I feel 48. Years of climbing tanks and dumping 50 pound bags of salt have wreaked havoc on my knees and shoulders. I can't crouch or throw but I doubt that will be a problem. I sense your right eyebrow has raised slightly, you're intrigued.
  2. I'm pretty sure I couldn't hit a Japanese little leaguer so there is no way I'm gonna approach a .300 OBP (thats on base percentage in case you're still confused by those three letters). I know you like your catchers to make a lot of outs - I can do that, I'm telling you I'm your man.
  3. I can't throw anybody out and I'm reasonably certain I can't even get the ball to second base. There may be a few passed balls but anything I don't get my glove on is a wild pitch so those aren't my fault. As long as your pitchers hit my glove I'll do fine (maybe).
So to recap - I'm old, can't hit, and can't field. You have continually shown that you feel past skills equal present skills and I don't want to brag but I was a three time little league all star. (It was over 25 years ago but still...)

Lets get this done today.

Yours til Niagra falls,
Jeff Parker

P.s. Or you could go in a different direction and keep John Buck!


  1. That is freaking hilarious...couldn't have said it better myself!!!

  2. We get it already with Dayton. Lacks originality and many syntax errors. B-

  3. Nice work. I've been known to pen an open letter myself...

    The Royals catching situation is a head scratcher, even to an outsider like myself. I can't figure out what the plan is there. Interest in Jason Kendall? Really? You're better off putting a wooden box behind the plate.

  4. I don't understand what everyone's problem is with bringing in a guy like jason kendall. The guy hit .241/.331 last year, and is a career .290/.369 hitter. Now I know that isn't great, hell he isn't average. But neither is Jon Buck. Jon hit .249/.299 last year and is a career .235/.298 hitter.

    Kendall will be a much better defensive catcher than jon buck, and I think there is lies the major reason for making this deal happen.

    Jon got 2.9 mil last year, and would probably make around 1.5 this year. While we are offering kendall 2 mil a year for 2 years.

    I am not saying kendall is an answer by any means, but he will be a defensive improvement, he will have a better OBP than jon, and most importanly he can come in a show bryan pena and (hopefully) wil myers a thing or two.

    Everybody needs to stop acting like this is such a terrible move, because its not. In fact, I'm all for it

  5. You are way more optimistic than me my friend and I can't help but notice that you left out their slugging percentages. Very curious since that is where Bucks value is and he outslugs Kendall by a wide margin. Does it make up for the difference in OBP? I think it does.